Recently, I have seen
pictures and been reading blogs from people that I was in YWAM with and sometimes I feel bad and almost jealous, as if I'm missing out. Especially when I
am working at a daycare and living in a nice apartment or a nice little dorm
room and reading about friends who are working in orphanages, leading
missions teams, or working with prostitution ministries. Sometimes I feel
guilty and wonder if I am where I should be. I miss traveling and working with
kids camps, churches, homeless ministries and living with other
like-minded Christians. I remember how, when I was living in Costa Rica, I wanted to stay in missions after our schooling was over, but I felt like God was telling me to go home at least for awhile. Sometimes I still wonder why. Some people receive really clear callings and know (at
least for the time being) what God wants for them. I know God wants me to
work with at risk children, but I don't know what exactly this entails. Is it
with little kids or teenagers; is it in an orphanage overseas, teaching in a
Preschool, or working with an organization like Compassion International?
It actually isn’t so much that I feel like I
need to know what I am doing for the rest of my life, but more that I wonder if
where I am at now is enough. And then I remember something that I realized
about a year ago. I had just left my internship with Urban Hope in Kensington.
I had been surrounded all summer by amazing Christians who lived some pretty
radical lifestyles and I was about to go back to a typical, young American adult, lifestyle at a liberal arts college. It was then that I realized that
living a radical lifestyle is NOT the same thing as having a radical relationship.
For so long I associated my relationship with God with living a radical life. I thought that being a missionary or living in a low income neighborhood was the kind of life I had to live to have a radical relationship with God. It was a subconscious thought that I did not realize for a long time, since as Christians we are told over and over that our good works will not get a closer to God, but that it is Jesus choice to die for our sins that allow a relationship with Him. And I always know that in my head, but I think that sometimes it doesn't reach my heart. When I looked at people at my church that worked regular jobs, lived in regular homes, and did not go to other countries on missions trips I would get frustrated and feel like they just DIDN'T get it. Then I also began to get frustrated with myself and feel like I did not have a good enough relationship with God because I was just a normal student in college who seemed to be living the "American Dream". As if I had to prove that I had a good enough relationship with God.
After living in Costa Rica, in some ways I had become close-minded to what Christianity SHOULD look like. But I began to really observe other people who were living "normal lifestyle" and saw a few of them interact with others you could see something different about them. And I thought more about how your relationship with God can look radical by your lifestyle, but on the inside it could be completely dead. So maybe I’m supposed to live in Ethiopia and work in an orphanage or maybe I will end up in a normal suburb working with children’s ministry or in a public school system.
What I end up doing is not near as important as WHY I am doing it and who I am doing it for. Even though I realized this a year ago, it is sometimes hard to take to heart. This is a tough topic to think about, because in reality my actions should reflect my relationship with God. However, if I go on a mission's trip it needs to be because GOD has called me to serve, not because I think that's what I NEED to do just because I am a Christian. And if I am at college working at daycare it still needs to be because this is how God wants me to serve right now. When I look at the amazing things some of my friends are doing, I need to continually remind myself to focus on a radical relationship. Nothing I do matters if God is not the center of it.
