Waiting on God

It's funny how often I will pray about something and then take action, but get frustrated with how it turns out . Then I ask God why He hasn't listened to my prayers. I get frustrated when I end up responding differently than I planned on or differently than God would want me to. In some of my classes, my professors begin the day with devotions and a couple weeks ago my professor read Psalm 27:14. It says, "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

I don't know how many times I've read that verse before, but sitting there in class-it hit me. How often do I pray and expect something to happen the very next day or the next time I encounter the situation? I don't know how many different times I have had conversations with people or thought about giving situations to God, but once again it is so easy not to apply to your heart what you already know in your head. I have known for a long time that patience is not one of my strengths and I know that it effects my relationships with other people, but it was not until my teacher read this verse to my class that I realized how much being impatient impacts my relationship with God. When I am impatient and take things into my own hands I am not giving space to allow God to work in my life and in other people's lives. I am not only being impatient, but also trying to take control away from God. I am essentially saying that my own ideas are better than God's. 

So many of the problems in my life come from not being willing to wait on God. How much better would my relationship with God be if I would give Him the space to do what He does best? I am the kind of person who wants to take action and fix everything, but in reality I can't. It is so easy for me to say that I trust God, but when I look at my impatience and how often I take things into my own hands it shows that I really do not trust Him the way that I should. Not only does this hurt my relationship with God and my own life, but this often impacts the people around me. My plans for myself and for the people and my life can't even begin to compare to the plans that God has for us.

I can even look at instances, since reading this verse in class, in which I have not waited on God's timing. It is a lot easier to have a revelation about something then to actually apply it to my life. Waiting on God is not just about the big things like wanting to see family members that I have prayed for 10 or more years to have a relationship with God, or knowing what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. But waiting on God is about the little things to like learning to respond better when I do not get my way or being able to have that important conversation that I need to have with someone. For me waiting on God means admitting that my own plans are not equivalent to God's, learning to be patient, and actually trusting in the Lord.

So this week I am not going to focus on what I want to do with my life, or that mission's trip I want to go on, or that relationship that I wish was going differently. But instead I am sitting those things down and my goal for this week is to pray, read my bible, and just spend time with God. I am going to wait on the Lord with the Lord.     

Saved By Grace

I grew up always hearing about grace and how God's "Amazing grace saved a wretch like me". But I think that it was something that I really had trouble fully comprehending, and still am in awe of, even now. Grace is used many times in the bible, but do we really get what it means? For a long time I used the words mercy and grace innerchangably and thought that they pretty much meant the same thing. But actually mercy means not getting a punishment that you deserve, while grace is getting something that you do not deserve. 

The dictionary definition of grace is: The free and unmerited favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. Unmerited means something that is not deserved and it is hard to accurately translate the meaning of favor in the bible, but it basically means preferential treatment denoting acceptance, approval, and pleasure. Wow! Just the definition of grace blows me away. I am a sinner, I am broken, I am undeserving of favor. Yet God has chosen me!! He looks past my brokenness and says; "I have chosen you and I love you" Nothing I can do can be good enough to deserve what God has given me, but He gives it freely anyways. He looks upon me in pleasure, not because of anything I have done, but because of who HE is. 

Every single day I make mistakes that show to me just how undeserving I am of God. Whether it is reacting unkindly towards someone, letting my anger get the best of me, or having a negative thought about someone; the majority of my actions are undeserving of God. And this doesn't even take into account the "big sins" (in our human perception) that I and others commit. Yet God's grace covers my sins, it is what allows me to start fresh each day and is what allows me to continue to push forward despite my failures.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness,'" Sometimes things happen as a natural consequence of our choices, sometimes God allows things to happen, and sometimes things happen that have nothing to do with our own choices. When I screw up it is the grace of God-Jesus's sacrifice on the cross that keeps me from getting what I deserve. And when something happens that has nothing to do with my actions it is still God's grace that pulls me through. My weakness whether it is because of sin or my limited ability as a human is NOT a bad thing because through MY weakness, God has shown me grace and that is when His ultimate power can be seen. 

There are currently situations in my life where God's grace has become very apparent to me. Some of the choices I have made caused those situations and I deserve death and separation from God, but His grace allows me to be in communion with Him and He carries me through these situations. And parts of the situations I have no control over, but God has been showing me over and over how these so called "bad things" are in my life for a reason and it is His grace that will carry me through and help me to come out stronger. And as I rely on God and the grace He has bestowed upon me, these tough situations turn into blessings that make my life even fuller. 

"Do you find life too difficult for you? So did we, but not now, with the amplitudes of grace there are for us in Jesus Christ, it grows satisfying and successful and exciting beyond measure, becomes another and richer thing." -A.J. Gossip

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Radical Relationship

Recently, I have seen pictures and been reading blogs from people that I was in YWAM with and sometimes I feel bad and almost jealous, as if I'm missing out. Especially when I am working at a daycare and living in a nice apartment or a nice little dorm room and  reading about friends who are working in orphanages, leading missions teams, or working with prostitution ministries. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if I am where I should be. I miss traveling and working with kids camps, churches, homeless ministries and living with other like-minded Christians. I remember how, when I was living in Costa Rica, I wanted to stay in missions after our schooling was over, but I felt like God was telling me to go home at least for awhile. Sometimes I still wonder why. Some people receive really clear callings and know (at least for the time being) what God wants for them. I know God wants me to work with at risk children, but I don't know what exactly this entails. Is it with little kids or teenagers; is it in an orphanage overseas, teaching in a Preschool, or working with an organization like Compassion International?

           

It actually isn’t so much that I feel like I need to know what I am doing for the rest of my life, but more that I wonder if where I am at now is enough. And then I remember something that I realized about a year ago. I had just left my internship with Urban Hope in Kensington. I had been surrounded all summer by amazing Christians who lived some pretty radical lifestyles and I was about to go back to a typical, young American adult, lifestyle at a liberal arts college. It was then that I realized that living a radical lifestyle is NOT the same thing as having a radical relationship.

            
For so long I associated my relationship with God with living a radical life. I thought that being a missionary or living in a low income neighborhood was the kind of life I had to live to have a radical relationship with God. It was a subconscious thought that I did not realize for a long time, since as Christians we are told over and over that our good works will not get a closer to God, but that it is Jesus choice to die for our sins that allow a relationship with Him. And I always know that in my head, but I think that sometimes it doesn't reach my heart. When I looked at people at my church that worked regular jobs, lived in regular homes, and did not go to other countries on missions trips I would get frustrated and feel like they just DIDN'T get it. Then I also began to get frustrated with myself and feel like I did not have a good enough relationship with God because I was just a normal student in college who seemed to be living the "American Dream". As if I had to prove that I had a good enough relationship with God.   


After living in Costa Rica, in some ways I had become close-minded to what Christianity SHOULD look like. But I began to really observe other people who were living "normal lifestyle" and saw a few of them interact with others you could see something different about them. And I thought more about how your relationship with God can look radical by your lifestyle, but on the inside it could be completely dead. So maybe I’m supposed to live in Ethiopia and work in an orphanage or maybe I will end up in a normal suburb working with children’s ministry or in a public school system.

What I end up doing is not near as important as WHY I am doing it and who I am doing it for. Even though I realized this a year ago, it is sometimes hard to take to heart. This is a tough topic to think about, because in reality my actions should reflect my relationship with God. However, if I go on a mission's trip it needs to be because GOD has called me to serve, not because I think that's what I NEED to do just because I am a Christian. And if I am at college working at daycare it still needs to be because this is how God wants me to serve right now. When I look at the amazing things some of my friends are doing, I need to continually remind myself to focus on a radical relationship. Nothing I do matters if God is not the center of it.    

Broken

This isn't my first attempt at blogging. In fact the poem that follows is something that I began to write a long time ago, but for some reason, until today it remained unfinished. I'm not completely sure why I have decided to start up again, but it just felt like time. I'm no poet, but here is a piece of my heart.

Broken

Splintered, shattered into a thousand pieces.

My entire past, all of my mistakes.

Pain searing through my chest.

I crumple to the ground struggling to take a breath.

I am broken.

Broken

I look around.

I see broken families, broken homes, broken lives.

Poverty, death, pain and addiction.

My eyes are blind with tears, my heart overwelmed with grief. 

We are broken. 

Broken

What is the point of all this?

Is there any hope?

I can't bear to look around me, scared of what I will see.

I prepare myself for once last breath. 

Completely broken.

Broken. 

As I lay there alone, suddenly I feel a warmth.

Strong arms wrap around me and hold me close.

I see no one, but I no longer feel alone.

I don't know why, but a peace washes over me.

I was broken.

Broken

For you, says the voice.

I left my perfect home for you,

For all the broken people in this broken world.

But I came so it didn't have to stay this way.

I came to heal.

Healed.

He came to heal.

He came down to our level and 

To experience our brokenness.

And He picks up the pieces and puts them back together.

I am healed.

Healed.

I still have scars and still feel pain.

But I am not alone.

But I am no longer shattered into pieces.

Through Him I can find healing.

We can heal.

Heal.

There is brokenness all around me,

But I no longer feel hopeless.

Through the poverty, pain, death, and addiction

There is hope for something new.

He has come to heal and I am a part of that.