Joy, Thankfulness, and Roofs

A few weeks ago my dad and brother came to visit me. It had been a hard week. I had a cough, I was stressing over school work, and I was so busy that I was not getting enough rest. My dad brought along my mail from the house and I saw that I had some letters from Compassion International. I have some little girls that I sponsor and I always look forward to getting letters from them. The one little girl, Britany, that I have been sponsoring for almost 6 years now is from Guatemala and just turned 10 in August. Her mom used to write her letters for her, but over the last year she has started to write them herself and I get so excited when I recieve a new letter from her.

After my brother and dad went home I sat down on my bed to read the letter that she had sent me. I finished the letter and sat there in shock. Britany had shared so many things that made her happy and when I got to the bottom of the letter she asked me to pray for her family because the roof of their house had blown away in June. I just sat there trying to fathom what her family was going through, especially as rainy season approached. The idea of my sweet little ten year old girl and her twin little sisters not knowing if they were going to get rained on that night, or if her parents were desperately trying to come up with the money just to provide shelter for her family, hurt my heart.

When I thought about Britany and her family I realized how insignificant my worries and frustrations often are, in comparison. It really does make me think about the term "first world problems" and I am disgusted with myself for complaining so much and taking it for granted what God has given me. I have been blessed with so many things and sometimes I sit there feeling sorry for myself. Yet this young girl writes to me and excitedly tells me about the special meal she had at the Compassion project or the person in the bible that she is learning about or her favorite color. Britany has been teaching me a valuable lesson. I always hope that I am making an impact on her life, but I think she has made a bigger impact on mine.

She has taught me that I can love someone I have never met more than I could ever have imagined. She has taught me how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for. She has taught me that it is possible to find joy in the little things. She has taught me that there are more important things in life than what I worry about. She has taught me that giving is better than recieving. When I picture her face I am reminded of how much God loves me, of how much she has to offer me, and how much I have to offer her. The most important things in life aren't looking good, or how soon you pay off your college debt, or whether you feel tired and don't want to go to work. It's about God, it's about the people and it's about the lives you touch. I thank God for using Britany to show me that.

Pressing on for Jesus

Philippians 3:12b 

"...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

I think I've read through this verse many times, without grasping what it truely means. I love the book of Philippians and this particular verse hit me hard. I press on=I struggle/I push forward. To take hold of = Something that doesn't necessarily come easily..I need to put effort into receiving it. That for which Christ Jesus took hold of me= What I am pushing forward to receive is the very reason Jesus chose me. 

Wow. This verse is packed with some heavy stuff and as a human I probably cannot completely fathom what this truly means. But I do get this...Jesus sacrificed his life for me for a purpose! I've known that for a long time; known that Jesus died in order for me to have eternal life (John 3:16). Recently I have studied the verse John 17:3 which says "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only one and true God..." And the originally translation does not mean just to know as an acquaintance, but to really KNOW Him. Jesus died on the cross for Me so that I could know God intimately (eternally). 

When I am not pursuing God with all my heart and putting Him first in everything I do, I'm taking advantage of what Jesus did from me. Of course I am so grateful to Jesus that He died for me!! But I never realized that there is more to it than just thanking Him. When I'm not continually seeking after God, I'm basically telling Jesus that what He did for me isn't really that important! 

Jesus died so that I can intimately know Him and His father! Jesus wants me to pursue Him. He wants to know me. Out of all the billions of people on earth, God and Jesus care personally for me. But it's my choice to get to know him. It's my decision if I'm going to take the easy route and find worldly pleasure or if I'm going to press on and pursue Jesus. Ultimately how far my relationship with God will go is up to me. 

Clean Slates

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you could take it back? Or be in a middle of a situation that is going wrong and realize it started off with some little mistakes a few months back? I think that many of us have those moments that we wish we could take back or start over. The idea of a clean slate is actually pretty interesting. Imagine a blackboard that was covered in all colors of chalk from white to green to red. It has been written and drawn on over and over for months or even years, but even when you erase it there are still shadows or bits of smeared does left as evidence of what has been on it before. No matter how much you try to erase the slate there will still be evidence of previous use. To truly be clean and look like new, someone needs to use a sponge and clean water to clean the entire blackboard.

There are times that I just wish I could have a clean slate with somebody, or even with my life in general. I have seen people in my life who agree to "start fresh" with a "clean slate" with somebody in their lives, and I know that I have done this before as well. But it is so much easier said than done. We are humans. No matter how close we are with God we are still broken people. I think of the saying "to forgive and forget", in reality it is more like forgive and let go. Because no matter how much we try to forget, even if we have forgiven, things that happened in the past still affect our responses and how we see certain situations. I often get irritated when someone responds a certain way because of something I've done in the past, and I think "Can't you just forget it? Can't you give me the chance to change?", but then some time goes by and I find myself guilty of the same thing.

This is so discouraging because it makes it so much harder to change when you or other people cannot let go of the past. And it often makes it hard to have healthy relationships. I look around and realize that there is no human that can give me a completely clean slate. But there is God. Our amazing Creator who made and CHOSE each and everyone of us. I am so undeserving of His love. The choices I have made have hurt Him even more than they have hurt myself or anybody else. But He, our omnipotent, perfect God, has the ability to completely forget our sins. His son took the burden of all of our sins upon himself, yet can also give us a clean slate and wipe away all reminance of our pasts? I am in awe just thinking about this. So yeah, maybe I will never find a person in my life who I completely have a clean slate with, but I do have God. And despite everything I've done, He forgives me and hands me a fresh slate with no evidence of my mistakes in the past. With Him I can always start fresh. 

Isaiah 43:25, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sin no more."

The Night I DIDNT End My Life

I have recently learned that I don't need to be embarrassed for dealing with depression, for having to take antidepressants, or even for having being tempted to end my own life. As a follower of God, we often feel like it is wrong to struggle with these things. It is hard for me to admit these feelings, but I think it's time to put it out there and if what I have gone through can help even one person, it is all worth it to me.

This past spring was undoubtedly the toughest season of my life. I've dealt with depression in the past, but nothing like this. As an RA (resident assistant), taking 18 credits in my junior year, and working a part time job I had a lot of responsibilities. I hit a point where I just could not handle any of it. 

Some people were aware that I was struggling, but no one can fully understand what is in someone else's head. I was alone a lot because my roommate was not around much and if I didn't have class or work it started to get harder and harder to get out of bed. Everything gave me anxiety, even being alone. 

It's hard to explain how I felt. But it was like I was in the bottom of a dark pit and could see everything going on above me, but no one can else was able to hear or see me. I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Some nights as I went to sleep I would beg Jesus to let me not wake up and to take me home with Him. Suicide was not something I really considered but, there was one night I really didn't think I could go on.

For weeks I had been calling out to God and couldn't figure out why He wasn't responding. I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I was a Christian- I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I was an RA-I was supposed to be helping others through their struggles. I felt like I had messed up some relationships so badly that they were impossible to fix. I felt like I had mess up so badly in my life that it would be better if I wasn't around. These thoughts swirled around in my head and I felt like I was being suffocated and I began to panic. 

I thought about the bottle of pills across the room in my bottom drawer. It would be so easy to just end all the pain right then. I realized that I wasn't strong enough to stop myself, but no one was there to come to my rescue. Sitting there in the dark, curled up on my futon, I completely broke down. I'm not sure how long I was there for, but all I could say was, "Jesus, help me!" Over and over. Right in the moment I didn't feel like He responded, but after awhile I could breathe normally. I felt peace wash over me and I know I could keep going. I was able to turn on the lights and put on some music. A few hours later I knew that God had responded and that He hadn't abandoned me. It didn't just turn to sunshine and butterflies overnight, but it slowly went up hill from there. 

Since then I have dealt with low points and moments of panic, but I am able to talk to someone, journal, or pray to get through those moments! I know that it isn't wrong for me to feel depressed, but it is another opportunity for me to lean on God. There were times in the spring where I wished someone would send me home or make me go to the hospital, but no one did. If people had known just how bad I was they probably would have. However, I am glad that didn't happen. At the time I felt alone and even unloved, but if people had done everything for me I wouldn't truly have gotten better. No one else can give me the will to live and they can't force me to do what is best for me. Because I was left alone in those moments I couldn't lean on other people. I had to find the strength within myself and realized that God was within me (through the Holy Spirit) and He was there to carry me through. 

My mom said recently that I got my strength from my dad. I thought about that a lot and realized that you aren't born with strength. Strength is something that you discover when life isn't easy and you have to make hard choices. I realized that God also gives me strength when I choose to rely on Him. If other people had forced me to get help I wouldn't be near as strong. And while what I went through this spring was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. At the same time I'm glad it happened because I found the will to live, I realized that I am not a failure, that God lives in me, and that He is not done with me yet. As cliche as it is, I remind myself of the verse Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and I remember that God is in me so I AM strong enough. 

Note: I am not saying that intervention or hospitalization isn't sometimes necessary; I just know that nobody else can YOU the will to live except for YOU. In the end the person who is struggling needs to find the strength within themselves. And for those of us who are following God, I realized that finding the strength within myself includes the Holy Spirit, since He is alive and in me. For those of you who do not understand what it is like to deal with thoughts like these-trust me they are REAL and the best thing you can do is LOVE. Encourage, check in on them, and love them, but do not smother them. Most importantly pray for them; Pray that they will realize how valuable their life is and that they will surrender control to God and allow Him to give them the strength to get through each moment.