I have recently learned that I don't need to be embarrassed for dealing with depression, for having to take antidepressants, or even for having being tempted to end my own life. As a follower of God, we often feel like it is wrong to struggle with these things. It is hard for me to admit these feelings, but I think it's time to put it out there and if what I have gone through can help even one person, it is all worth it to me.
This past spring was undoubtedly the toughest season of my life. I've dealt with depression in the past, but nothing like this. As an RA (resident assistant), taking 18 credits in my junior year, and working a part time job I had a lot of responsibilities. I hit a point where I just could not handle any of it.
Some people were aware that I was struggling, but no one can fully understand what is in someone else's head. I was alone a lot because my roommate was not around much and if I didn't have class or work it started to get harder and harder to get out of bed. Everything gave me anxiety, even being alone.
It's hard to explain how I felt. But it was like I was in the bottom of a dark pit and could see everything going on above me, but no one can else was able to hear or see me. I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Some nights as I went to sleep I would beg Jesus to let me not wake up and to take me home with Him. Suicide was not something I really considered but, there was one night I really didn't think I could go on.
For weeks I had been calling out to God and couldn't figure out why He wasn't responding. I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I was a Christian- I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I was an RA-I was supposed to be helping others through their struggles. I felt like I had messed up some relationships so badly that they were impossible to fix. I felt like I had mess up so badly in my life that it would be better if I wasn't around. These thoughts swirled around in my head and I felt like I was being suffocated and I began to panic.
I thought about the bottle of pills across the room in my bottom drawer. It would be so easy to just end all the pain right then. I realized that I wasn't strong enough to stop myself, but no one was there to come to my rescue. Sitting there in the dark, curled up on my futon, I completely broke down. I'm not sure how long I was there for, but all I could say was, "Jesus, help me!" Over and over. Right in the moment I didn't feel like He responded, but after awhile I could breathe normally. I felt peace wash over me and I know I could keep going. I was able to turn on the lights and put on some music. A few hours later I knew that God had responded and that He hadn't abandoned me. It didn't just turn to sunshine and butterflies overnight, but it slowly went up hill from there.
Since then I have dealt with low points and moments of panic, but I am able to talk to someone, journal, or pray to get through those moments! I know that it isn't wrong for me to feel depressed, but it is another opportunity for me to lean on God. There were times in the spring where I wished someone would send me home or make me go to the hospital, but no one did. If people had known just how bad I was they probably would have. However, I am glad that didn't happen. At the time I felt alone and even unloved, but if people had done everything for me I wouldn't truly have gotten better. No one else can give me the will to live and they can't force me to do what is best for me. Because I was left alone in those moments I couldn't lean on other people. I had to find the strength within myself and realized that God was within me (through the Holy Spirit) and He was there to carry me through.
My mom said recently that I got my strength from my dad. I thought about that a lot and realized that you aren't born with strength. Strength is something that you discover when life isn't easy and you have to make hard choices. I realized that God also gives me strength when I choose to rely on Him. If other people had forced me to get help I wouldn't be near as strong. And while what I went through this spring was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. At the same time I'm glad it happened because I found the will to live, I realized that I am not a failure, that God lives in me, and that He is not done with me yet. As cliche as it is, I remind myself of the verse Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and I remember that God is in me so I AM strong enough.
Note: I am not saying that intervention or hospitalization isn't sometimes necessary; I just know that nobody else can YOU the will to live except for YOU. In the end the person who is struggling needs to find the strength within themselves. And for those of us who are following God, I realized that finding the strength within myself includes the Holy Spirit, since He is alive and in me. For those of you who do not understand what it is like to deal with thoughts like these-trust me they are REAL and the best thing you can do is LOVE. Encourage, check in on them, and love them, but do not smother them. Most importantly pray for them; Pray that they will realize how valuable their life is and that they will surrender control to God and allow Him to give them the strength to get through each moment.
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