When My Feet May Fail

Recently I've had the opportunity to go to the beach and, not to my suprise, it is just as beautiful in the winter as in the summer. The warm, white sand between my toes, the foamy waves slapping the shore, and the smell of salt in the air. There is something special about the beach, something different.

Standing at the edge of the water, staring out into the ocean. There is nowhere else that I can be facing one direction looking at the houses and all the people and then I can turn around and its all gone. Completely gone, nothing except for the unending waters and sky stretched before me. God's creation. I realize just how small I am and how big the world is. I am reminded of the song, Oceans (Where my feet may fail), from Hillsong United. It starts off with the words:

"You call me out upon the waters 

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery 
in oceans deep
My faith will stand"

So much of my life is unknown. Whether or not I am following God I do not know what is coming in the next year, let alone the next hour. But when I choose to live for God I am saying that I will go wherever he sends me. This is so much easier said than done; sometimes I doubt God multiple times a day and I often feel unworthy and unable to do what he has asked me to.

"And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters 

Your sovereign hand 

Will be my guide

Where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now"

But 2 Corinithians 12:9b reminds me, that "God's power is made perfect in MY weakness". Without my faith in God I will fail. But it is his power that allows me to carry forward. When I call on Him, when I keep my eyes on him, when I rest in Him-I can follow where he leads me. And this song does a really good job at summing up how I want to live and how God wants me to live. 

It is because of God's grace that I am here today. I fail; I am not enough. I would drown in a never ending ocean. But when God is carrying me, the unknown is no longer scary, but a place to grow closer to God. It is a place where I can more fully rely on him. 

So when I feel like I am drowning and my troubles begin to overtake me, I can close my eyes and picture the ocean before my with my world and troubles behind me. The words from Oceans flow through my head and I am reminded that God has called me out upon the sea. And he will not fail me. To me, standing out on the beach not only reminds me how big God is or how marvelous his creation is, but also that I am his and that in his grace I can call to him, rest in him, and follow him. 

"I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves 

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and you are mine"

Open Heart

I once read a passage that created an image of myself 'holding some coins in the palm of my hand. If I hold my hand flat and someone takes those coins I will lose them, but it won't hurt for them to be taken away. However, if I close my fist around them and someone takes them away I will still lose them, but it will be a lot more painful for that person to pry my fist open.' It is very similar to the dreams, situations, and people in our lives. If God needs to take things out of ours lives, even for just a short time, if we hold on tight and refuse to let go it will hurt a whole lot more, cost a lot of our time, and make it harder for us to grow closer in our relationship with God.

I can say from experience, that tighter I have held on to things in my life not only is it painful, but it dimishes my trust in God and often creates a distance between us. Often once I get an idea in my head of what might happen in my future I tend to subconsciously hold on to it for dear life. But the reality is, my ways are NOT God's ways. The things in my life, and the plans that I have may look like they are glorifying to God, but he still may have something different in-store for me.

Honestly, I wasn't always this way. I remember a time before and in YWAM where my future was pretty much a blank slate. I had been accepted to Eastern, but I didn't even know if I was going to college, or staying in Costa Rica, or doing another school with YWAM. I knew I wanted to serve God  and someday get married and have children, but I was a completely blank book. I had no idea what my future would look like and I was totally okay with it.

When I came home it was hard because I knew I wanted to stay in Costa Rica, but for some reason God was calling me home. Readjusting was really difficult for me and the reserve culture shock hit me hard. However, after about a month God began to open doors for me leading me towards opportunities, friendships, and places that filled the hole in the my heart. Everything that was happening in my life was following both, my desires and honoring to God. It was practically perfect.

The man who I was dating, at the time, gave me an open heart necklace for Christmas. Open Hearts are a collection by Jane Seymour, where there are two open hearts that are connected without closer on both ends. He shared that it was a reminder about having an open heart about our future and about what God had instore for us. I absolutely loved and wanted to have an open heart. However, I did not really get what that would mean. I like the direction my life was headed and since it was honoring God I never imagined it would change. However, it would be another year or so before I realized that by putting so much stock in my 'God honoring life' that I was not actually honoring Him or is right and ability to take away or give me what I needed or wanted. 

A few months later many things in my life changed; relationships, friends, what I thought my future might look like. And unfortunately it was a very painful time for me because I held onto my life through a closed fist. It took over two years for me to heal from how I responded to God's decision to change my life. Having an open heart to what God wants for me is still something I am learning today. 

My open heart necklace will always be a special reminder to me that having an open heart allows God to work in my life and helps me to grow closer to him. This concept has become such a major theme in my life that before leaving for college I got the tattoo of a open heart on my left shoulder with the reference Jeremiah 29:11 beside it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future," 

To many people, this verse has a special meaning, but I really do believe that God means that specifically for ME (and you too!). Jeremiah 29:11 not only reminds me that God's hand is working in my life and that he has something marvelous for me, but also that His ways are Higher than my own and even when my life does not go as I think it should God still promises me a hope And a future. When God takes or gives something to me, it is out of his love for me. 

Currently there are many unknowns in my life. Unknowns about finishing school, paying loans, finding a job, relationships, and how God will use me. But each day when I wake up I need to remind my self to surrender to God. I recognize that God has a plan instore for me and that He knows what is to come in my life shows me how loved I am. Recognizing that having an open yeart to the future and  holding my life openly in my hand helps me to become more dependent on him and walk closer with him each day. I have a long way to go, but I desire to live the life that God has for me and the in the way that he has for me. With an Open Heart. 

A Legacy to Hold Onto

Not too long ago, I lost someone who holds a dear place in my heart. And I didn't get to say goodbye. This situation was painful, but also changed my perspective on quite a few things. I learned a lot about time, grudges, and relationships. Time passes by so quickly-in one moment everything you know can change. James 4:14 says, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." If our lives are like a vapor, how much more fleeting are the individual moments in our lives?Time passing by is often a cliche topic, especially among followers of Christ. Yet it is something that is completely different to know in your head than to experience in your heart. And now time has taken on a different meaning to me.

Like many people, I struggle to stay connected with people who are not physically in my life. I love my friends from home and elsewhere, but years can go by without talking to them if they are not part of my my immediate life. After high school, with graduating from youth group and switching churches with my family, I began to lose contact with my youth leader, Karen. After starting college, Karen was diagnosed with cancer and going through chemo. I found out when I was added to a prayer group for her. I was saddened to see this, but we had lost touch and I was so caught up in my own life that I only thought of her every once in awhile.

Then in August, during RA training, I saw that she had been moved to hospice and it hit me that even though people can better, Karen clearly was not, at least at this point. It also hit me that I had allowed so much time to pass without reconnecting and letting her know how much she meant to me. I contacted her daughter and made plans to try and go home early during the school year after RA responsibilities slowed down. However, less than a week later, Jesus took Karen home to be with him.

I sat there, in shock after finding out. She no longer was in pain and she was celebrating with Jesus. But she was too young to die. She still had so much to give. But more than that- I was too late. I would never get a chance to tell her what she meant to me. I didn't get to say goodbye. One moment she was there and I was praying for her and the next she was gone and I could never get the time back that I had lost.

I only had a short time with Karen. She and her husband started helping with my youth group after I was already in the senior high. I'm sure it wasn't easy when they first started helping our youth group-most people lead youth group when they first get out of college or are newly married, but Karen and her husband already had grown children. Yet they still chose to give time out of every week, and more when they would took us on mission's trips. Karen had not lived an easy life; it would have been so easy for her to give up and to not follow God. She could have become bitter, but instead she always had a smile and a hug for us each week when we walked in the door. Karen chose to trust God and she persevered through each situation.

To make this time even more brief, shortly after high school I was angry about something silly, but I never told her about it. There was a situation that Karen had said something to me that was not meant to be hurtful, but she did not know the situation or what was actually going on. I was dealing with a lot and her comment felt insensitive and unkind. Since I did not really see her anymore, I never talked to her about it. That moment wasn't what kept me from her; I forgave and forgot long ago-but it aided in leading to my disconnection to her. The situation would not have been hurtful had I not been in such a hard place. And if I had talked to her, we would have had the opportunity to grow even closer.

Now looking back, I see how much I missed out on, but also how much she left behind for me. I see Karen's character. She was a servant. Humble, giving, compassionate, hardworking, and above all she followed in Jesus' footsteps. Her life has recently taught me so much. Although it is painful when I think about the opportunity that I lost, I smile when I think about her perfect life with Jesus. I've realized the importance of not letting opportunities pass me by and taking advantage of each moment. I've seen how allowing a misunderstanding to go unaddressed can hurt relationships and lead to regret. I've also learned from Karen, the kind of person that I want to be and the legacy I want to leave behind. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Karen-I am so blessed to have known her and am so thankful for how her life has touched mine. 

You will never be forgotten, I love you Karen.

Joy, Thankfulness, and Roofs

A few weeks ago my dad and brother came to visit me. It had been a hard week. I had a cough, I was stressing over school work, and I was so busy that I was not getting enough rest. My dad brought along my mail from the house and I saw that I had some letters from Compassion International. I have some little girls that I sponsor and I always look forward to getting letters from them. The one little girl, Britany, that I have been sponsoring for almost 6 years now is from Guatemala and just turned 10 in August. Her mom used to write her letters for her, but over the last year she has started to write them herself and I get so excited when I recieve a new letter from her.

After my brother and dad went home I sat down on my bed to read the letter that she had sent me. I finished the letter and sat there in shock. Britany had shared so many things that made her happy and when I got to the bottom of the letter she asked me to pray for her family because the roof of their house had blown away in June. I just sat there trying to fathom what her family was going through, especially as rainy season approached. The idea of my sweet little ten year old girl and her twin little sisters not knowing if they were going to get rained on that night, or if her parents were desperately trying to come up with the money just to provide shelter for her family, hurt my heart.

When I thought about Britany and her family I realized how insignificant my worries and frustrations often are, in comparison. It really does make me think about the term "first world problems" and I am disgusted with myself for complaining so much and taking it for granted what God has given me. I have been blessed with so many things and sometimes I sit there feeling sorry for myself. Yet this young girl writes to me and excitedly tells me about the special meal she had at the Compassion project or the person in the bible that she is learning about or her favorite color. Britany has been teaching me a valuable lesson. I always hope that I am making an impact on her life, but I think she has made a bigger impact on mine.

She has taught me that I can love someone I have never met more than I could ever have imagined. She has taught me how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for. She has taught me that it is possible to find joy in the little things. She has taught me that there are more important things in life than what I worry about. She has taught me that giving is better than recieving. When I picture her face I am reminded of how much God loves me, of how much she has to offer me, and how much I have to offer her. The most important things in life aren't looking good, or how soon you pay off your college debt, or whether you feel tired and don't want to go to work. It's about God, it's about the people and it's about the lives you touch. I thank God for using Britany to show me that.

Pressing on for Jesus

Philippians 3:12b 

"...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

I think I've read through this verse many times, without grasping what it truely means. I love the book of Philippians and this particular verse hit me hard. I press on=I struggle/I push forward. To take hold of = Something that doesn't necessarily come easily..I need to put effort into receiving it. That for which Christ Jesus took hold of me= What I am pushing forward to receive is the very reason Jesus chose me. 

Wow. This verse is packed with some heavy stuff and as a human I probably cannot completely fathom what this truly means. But I do get this...Jesus sacrificed his life for me for a purpose! I've known that for a long time; known that Jesus died in order for me to have eternal life (John 3:16). Recently I have studied the verse John 17:3 which says "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only one and true God..." And the originally translation does not mean just to know as an acquaintance, but to really KNOW Him. Jesus died on the cross for Me so that I could know God intimately (eternally). 

When I am not pursuing God with all my heart and putting Him first in everything I do, I'm taking advantage of what Jesus did from me. Of course I am so grateful to Jesus that He died for me!! But I never realized that there is more to it than just thanking Him. When I'm not continually seeking after God, I'm basically telling Jesus that what He did for me isn't really that important! 

Jesus died so that I can intimately know Him and His father! Jesus wants me to pursue Him. He wants to know me. Out of all the billions of people on earth, God and Jesus care personally for me. But it's my choice to get to know him. It's my decision if I'm going to take the easy route and find worldly pleasure or if I'm going to press on and pursue Jesus. Ultimately how far my relationship with God will go is up to me. 

Clean Slates

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you could take it back? Or be in a middle of a situation that is going wrong and realize it started off with some little mistakes a few months back? I think that many of us have those moments that we wish we could take back or start over. The idea of a clean slate is actually pretty interesting. Imagine a blackboard that was covered in all colors of chalk from white to green to red. It has been written and drawn on over and over for months or even years, but even when you erase it there are still shadows or bits of smeared does left as evidence of what has been on it before. No matter how much you try to erase the slate there will still be evidence of previous use. To truly be clean and look like new, someone needs to use a sponge and clean water to clean the entire blackboard.

There are times that I just wish I could have a clean slate with somebody, or even with my life in general. I have seen people in my life who agree to "start fresh" with a "clean slate" with somebody in their lives, and I know that I have done this before as well. But it is so much easier said than done. We are humans. No matter how close we are with God we are still broken people. I think of the saying "to forgive and forget", in reality it is more like forgive and let go. Because no matter how much we try to forget, even if we have forgiven, things that happened in the past still affect our responses and how we see certain situations. I often get irritated when someone responds a certain way because of something I've done in the past, and I think "Can't you just forget it? Can't you give me the chance to change?", but then some time goes by and I find myself guilty of the same thing.

This is so discouraging because it makes it so much harder to change when you or other people cannot let go of the past. And it often makes it hard to have healthy relationships. I look around and realize that there is no human that can give me a completely clean slate. But there is God. Our amazing Creator who made and CHOSE each and everyone of us. I am so undeserving of His love. The choices I have made have hurt Him even more than they have hurt myself or anybody else. But He, our omnipotent, perfect God, has the ability to completely forget our sins. His son took the burden of all of our sins upon himself, yet can also give us a clean slate and wipe away all reminance of our pasts? I am in awe just thinking about this. So yeah, maybe I will never find a person in my life who I completely have a clean slate with, but I do have God. And despite everything I've done, He forgives me and hands me a fresh slate with no evidence of my mistakes in the past. With Him I can always start fresh. 

Isaiah 43:25, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sin no more."

The Night I DIDNT End My Life

I have recently learned that I don't need to be embarrassed for dealing with depression, for having to take antidepressants, or even for having being tempted to end my own life. As a follower of God, we often feel like it is wrong to struggle with these things. It is hard for me to admit these feelings, but I think it's time to put it out there and if what I have gone through can help even one person, it is all worth it to me.

This past spring was undoubtedly the toughest season of my life. I've dealt with depression in the past, but nothing like this. As an RA (resident assistant), taking 18 credits in my junior year, and working a part time job I had a lot of responsibilities. I hit a point where I just could not handle any of it. 

Some people were aware that I was struggling, but no one can fully understand what is in someone else's head. I was alone a lot because my roommate was not around much and if I didn't have class or work it started to get harder and harder to get out of bed. Everything gave me anxiety, even being alone. 

It's hard to explain how I felt. But it was like I was in the bottom of a dark pit and could see everything going on above me, but no one can else was able to hear or see me. I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Some nights as I went to sleep I would beg Jesus to let me not wake up and to take me home with Him. Suicide was not something I really considered but, there was one night I really didn't think I could go on.

For weeks I had been calling out to God and couldn't figure out why He wasn't responding. I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I was a Christian- I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I was an RA-I was supposed to be helping others through their struggles. I felt like I had messed up some relationships so badly that they were impossible to fix. I felt like I had mess up so badly in my life that it would be better if I wasn't around. These thoughts swirled around in my head and I felt like I was being suffocated and I began to panic. 

I thought about the bottle of pills across the room in my bottom drawer. It would be so easy to just end all the pain right then. I realized that I wasn't strong enough to stop myself, but no one was there to come to my rescue. Sitting there in the dark, curled up on my futon, I completely broke down. I'm not sure how long I was there for, but all I could say was, "Jesus, help me!" Over and over. Right in the moment I didn't feel like He responded, but after awhile I could breathe normally. I felt peace wash over me and I know I could keep going. I was able to turn on the lights and put on some music. A few hours later I knew that God had responded and that He hadn't abandoned me. It didn't just turn to sunshine and butterflies overnight, but it slowly went up hill from there. 

Since then I have dealt with low points and moments of panic, but I am able to talk to someone, journal, or pray to get through those moments! I know that it isn't wrong for me to feel depressed, but it is another opportunity for me to lean on God. There were times in the spring where I wished someone would send me home or make me go to the hospital, but no one did. If people had known just how bad I was they probably would have. However, I am glad that didn't happen. At the time I felt alone and even unloved, but if people had done everything for me I wouldn't truly have gotten better. No one else can give me the will to live and they can't force me to do what is best for me. Because I was left alone in those moments I couldn't lean on other people. I had to find the strength within myself and realized that God was within me (through the Holy Spirit) and He was there to carry me through. 

My mom said recently that I got my strength from my dad. I thought about that a lot and realized that you aren't born with strength. Strength is something that you discover when life isn't easy and you have to make hard choices. I realized that God also gives me strength when I choose to rely on Him. If other people had forced me to get help I wouldn't be near as strong. And while what I went through this spring was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. At the same time I'm glad it happened because I found the will to live, I realized that I am not a failure, that God lives in me, and that He is not done with me yet. As cliche as it is, I remind myself of the verse Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and I remember that God is in me so I AM strong enough. 

Note: I am not saying that intervention or hospitalization isn't sometimes necessary; I just know that nobody else can YOU the will to live except for YOU. In the end the person who is struggling needs to find the strength within themselves. And for those of us who are following God, I realized that finding the strength within myself includes the Holy Spirit, since He is alive and in me. For those of you who do not understand what it is like to deal with thoughts like these-trust me they are REAL and the best thing you can do is LOVE. Encourage, check in on them, and love them, but do not smother them. Most importantly pray for them; Pray that they will realize how valuable their life is and that they will surrender control to God and allow Him to give them the strength to get through each moment.