A Legacy to Hold Onto

Not too long ago, I lost someone who holds a dear place in my heart. And I didn't get to say goodbye. This situation was painful, but also changed my perspective on quite a few things. I learned a lot about time, grudges, and relationships. Time passes by so quickly-in one moment everything you know can change. James 4:14 says, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." If our lives are like a vapor, how much more fleeting are the individual moments in our lives?Time passing by is often a cliche topic, especially among followers of Christ. Yet it is something that is completely different to know in your head than to experience in your heart. And now time has taken on a different meaning to me.

Like many people, I struggle to stay connected with people who are not physically in my life. I love my friends from home and elsewhere, but years can go by without talking to them if they are not part of my my immediate life. After high school, with graduating from youth group and switching churches with my family, I began to lose contact with my youth leader, Karen. After starting college, Karen was diagnosed with cancer and going through chemo. I found out when I was added to a prayer group for her. I was saddened to see this, but we had lost touch and I was so caught up in my own life that I only thought of her every once in awhile.

Then in August, during RA training, I saw that she had been moved to hospice and it hit me that even though people can better, Karen clearly was not, at least at this point. It also hit me that I had allowed so much time to pass without reconnecting and letting her know how much she meant to me. I contacted her daughter and made plans to try and go home early during the school year after RA responsibilities slowed down. However, less than a week later, Jesus took Karen home to be with him.

I sat there, in shock after finding out. She no longer was in pain and she was celebrating with Jesus. But she was too young to die. She still had so much to give. But more than that- I was too late. I would never get a chance to tell her what she meant to me. I didn't get to say goodbye. One moment she was there and I was praying for her and the next she was gone and I could never get the time back that I had lost.

I only had a short time with Karen. She and her husband started helping with my youth group after I was already in the senior high. I'm sure it wasn't easy when they first started helping our youth group-most people lead youth group when they first get out of college or are newly married, but Karen and her husband already had grown children. Yet they still chose to give time out of every week, and more when they would took us on mission's trips. Karen had not lived an easy life; it would have been so easy for her to give up and to not follow God. She could have become bitter, but instead she always had a smile and a hug for us each week when we walked in the door. Karen chose to trust God and she persevered through each situation.

To make this time even more brief, shortly after high school I was angry about something silly, but I never told her about it. There was a situation that Karen had said something to me that was not meant to be hurtful, but she did not know the situation or what was actually going on. I was dealing with a lot and her comment felt insensitive and unkind. Since I did not really see her anymore, I never talked to her about it. That moment wasn't what kept me from her; I forgave and forgot long ago-but it aided in leading to my disconnection to her. The situation would not have been hurtful had I not been in such a hard place. And if I had talked to her, we would have had the opportunity to grow even closer.

Now looking back, I see how much I missed out on, but also how much she left behind for me. I see Karen's character. She was a servant. Humble, giving, compassionate, hardworking, and above all she followed in Jesus' footsteps. Her life has recently taught me so much. Although it is painful when I think about the opportunity that I lost, I smile when I think about her perfect life with Jesus. I've realized the importance of not letting opportunities pass me by and taking advantage of each moment. I've seen how allowing a misunderstanding to go unaddressed can hurt relationships and lead to regret. I've also learned from Karen, the kind of person that I want to be and the legacy I want to leave behind. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Karen-I am so blessed to have known her and am so thankful for how her life has touched mine. 

You will never be forgotten, I love you Karen.

Joy, Thankfulness, and Roofs

A few weeks ago my dad and brother came to visit me. It had been a hard week. I had a cough, I was stressing over school work, and I was so busy that I was not getting enough rest. My dad brought along my mail from the house and I saw that I had some letters from Compassion International. I have some little girls that I sponsor and I always look forward to getting letters from them. The one little girl, Britany, that I have been sponsoring for almost 6 years now is from Guatemala and just turned 10 in August. Her mom used to write her letters for her, but over the last year she has started to write them herself and I get so excited when I recieve a new letter from her.

After my brother and dad went home I sat down on my bed to read the letter that she had sent me. I finished the letter and sat there in shock. Britany had shared so many things that made her happy and when I got to the bottom of the letter she asked me to pray for her family because the roof of their house had blown away in June. I just sat there trying to fathom what her family was going through, especially as rainy season approached. The idea of my sweet little ten year old girl and her twin little sisters not knowing if they were going to get rained on that night, or if her parents were desperately trying to come up with the money just to provide shelter for her family, hurt my heart.

When I thought about Britany and her family I realized how insignificant my worries and frustrations often are, in comparison. It really does make me think about the term "first world problems" and I am disgusted with myself for complaining so much and taking it for granted what God has given me. I have been blessed with so many things and sometimes I sit there feeling sorry for myself. Yet this young girl writes to me and excitedly tells me about the special meal she had at the Compassion project or the person in the bible that she is learning about or her favorite color. Britany has been teaching me a valuable lesson. I always hope that I am making an impact on her life, but I think she has made a bigger impact on mine.

She has taught me that I can love someone I have never met more than I could ever have imagined. She has taught me how blessed I am and how much I have to be thankful for. She has taught me that it is possible to find joy in the little things. She has taught me that there are more important things in life than what I worry about. She has taught me that giving is better than recieving. When I picture her face I am reminded of how much God loves me, of how much she has to offer me, and how much I have to offer her. The most important things in life aren't looking good, or how soon you pay off your college debt, or whether you feel tired and don't want to go to work. It's about God, it's about the people and it's about the lives you touch. I thank God for using Britany to show me that.

Pressing on for Jesus

Philippians 3:12b 

"...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

I think I've read through this verse many times, without grasping what it truely means. I love the book of Philippians and this particular verse hit me hard. I press on=I struggle/I push forward. To take hold of = Something that doesn't necessarily come easily..I need to put effort into receiving it. That for which Christ Jesus took hold of me= What I am pushing forward to receive is the very reason Jesus chose me. 

Wow. This verse is packed with some heavy stuff and as a human I probably cannot completely fathom what this truly means. But I do get this...Jesus sacrificed his life for me for a purpose! I've known that for a long time; known that Jesus died in order for me to have eternal life (John 3:16). Recently I have studied the verse John 17:3 which says "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only one and true God..." And the originally translation does not mean just to know as an acquaintance, but to really KNOW Him. Jesus died on the cross for Me so that I could know God intimately (eternally). 

When I am not pursuing God with all my heart and putting Him first in everything I do, I'm taking advantage of what Jesus did from me. Of course I am so grateful to Jesus that He died for me!! But I never realized that there is more to it than just thanking Him. When I'm not continually seeking after God, I'm basically telling Jesus that what He did for me isn't really that important! 

Jesus died so that I can intimately know Him and His father! Jesus wants me to pursue Him. He wants to know me. Out of all the billions of people on earth, God and Jesus care personally for me. But it's my choice to get to know him. It's my decision if I'm going to take the easy route and find worldly pleasure or if I'm going to press on and pursue Jesus. Ultimately how far my relationship with God will go is up to me. 

Clean Slates

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you could take it back? Or be in a middle of a situation that is going wrong and realize it started off with some little mistakes a few months back? I think that many of us have those moments that we wish we could take back or start over. The idea of a clean slate is actually pretty interesting. Imagine a blackboard that was covered in all colors of chalk from white to green to red. It has been written and drawn on over and over for months or even years, but even when you erase it there are still shadows or bits of smeared does left as evidence of what has been on it before. No matter how much you try to erase the slate there will still be evidence of previous use. To truly be clean and look like new, someone needs to use a sponge and clean water to clean the entire blackboard.

There are times that I just wish I could have a clean slate with somebody, or even with my life in general. I have seen people in my life who agree to "start fresh" with a "clean slate" with somebody in their lives, and I know that I have done this before as well. But it is so much easier said than done. We are humans. No matter how close we are with God we are still broken people. I think of the saying "to forgive and forget", in reality it is more like forgive and let go. Because no matter how much we try to forget, even if we have forgiven, things that happened in the past still affect our responses and how we see certain situations. I often get irritated when someone responds a certain way because of something I've done in the past, and I think "Can't you just forget it? Can't you give me the chance to change?", but then some time goes by and I find myself guilty of the same thing.

This is so discouraging because it makes it so much harder to change when you or other people cannot let go of the past. And it often makes it hard to have healthy relationships. I look around and realize that there is no human that can give me a completely clean slate. But there is God. Our amazing Creator who made and CHOSE each and everyone of us. I am so undeserving of His love. The choices I have made have hurt Him even more than they have hurt myself or anybody else. But He, our omnipotent, perfect God, has the ability to completely forget our sins. His son took the burden of all of our sins upon himself, yet can also give us a clean slate and wipe away all reminance of our pasts? I am in awe just thinking about this. So yeah, maybe I will never find a person in my life who I completely have a clean slate with, but I do have God. And despite everything I've done, He forgives me and hands me a fresh slate with no evidence of my mistakes in the past. With Him I can always start fresh. 

Isaiah 43:25, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sin no more."

The Night I DIDNT End My Life

I have recently learned that I don't need to be embarrassed for dealing with depression, for having to take antidepressants, or even for having being tempted to end my own life. As a follower of God, we often feel like it is wrong to struggle with these things. It is hard for me to admit these feelings, but I think it's time to put it out there and if what I have gone through can help even one person, it is all worth it to me.

This past spring was undoubtedly the toughest season of my life. I've dealt with depression in the past, but nothing like this. As an RA (resident assistant), taking 18 credits in my junior year, and working a part time job I had a lot of responsibilities. I hit a point where I just could not handle any of it. 

Some people were aware that I was struggling, but no one can fully understand what is in someone else's head. I was alone a lot because my roommate was not around much and if I didn't have class or work it started to get harder and harder to get out of bed. Everything gave me anxiety, even being alone. 

It's hard to explain how I felt. But it was like I was in the bottom of a dark pit and could see everything going on above me, but no one can else was able to hear or see me. I felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. Some nights as I went to sleep I would beg Jesus to let me not wake up and to take me home with Him. Suicide was not something I really considered but, there was one night I really didn't think I could go on.

For weeks I had been calling out to God and couldn't figure out why He wasn't responding. I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I was a Christian- I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I was an RA-I was supposed to be helping others through their struggles. I felt like I had messed up some relationships so badly that they were impossible to fix. I felt like I had mess up so badly in my life that it would be better if I wasn't around. These thoughts swirled around in my head and I felt like I was being suffocated and I began to panic. 

I thought about the bottle of pills across the room in my bottom drawer. It would be so easy to just end all the pain right then. I realized that I wasn't strong enough to stop myself, but no one was there to come to my rescue. Sitting there in the dark, curled up on my futon, I completely broke down. I'm not sure how long I was there for, but all I could say was, "Jesus, help me!" Over and over. Right in the moment I didn't feel like He responded, but after awhile I could breathe normally. I felt peace wash over me and I know I could keep going. I was able to turn on the lights and put on some music. A few hours later I knew that God had responded and that He hadn't abandoned me. It didn't just turn to sunshine and butterflies overnight, but it slowly went up hill from there. 

Since then I have dealt with low points and moments of panic, but I am able to talk to someone, journal, or pray to get through those moments! I know that it isn't wrong for me to feel depressed, but it is another opportunity for me to lean on God. There were times in the spring where I wished someone would send me home or make me go to the hospital, but no one did. If people had known just how bad I was they probably would have. However, I am glad that didn't happen. At the time I felt alone and even unloved, but if people had done everything for me I wouldn't truly have gotten better. No one else can give me the will to live and they can't force me to do what is best for me. Because I was left alone in those moments I couldn't lean on other people. I had to find the strength within myself and realized that God was within me (through the Holy Spirit) and He was there to carry me through. 

My mom said recently that I got my strength from my dad. I thought about that a lot and realized that you aren't born with strength. Strength is something that you discover when life isn't easy and you have to make hard choices. I realized that God also gives me strength when I choose to rely on Him. If other people had forced me to get help I wouldn't be near as strong. And while what I went through this spring was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. At the same time I'm glad it happened because I found the will to live, I realized that I am not a failure, that God lives in me, and that He is not done with me yet. As cliche as it is, I remind myself of the verse Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and I remember that God is in me so I AM strong enough. 

Note: I am not saying that intervention or hospitalization isn't sometimes necessary; I just know that nobody else can YOU the will to live except for YOU. In the end the person who is struggling needs to find the strength within themselves. And for those of us who are following God, I realized that finding the strength within myself includes the Holy Spirit, since He is alive and in me. For those of you who do not understand what it is like to deal with thoughts like these-trust me they are REAL and the best thing you can do is LOVE. Encourage, check in on them, and love them, but do not smother them. Most importantly pray for them; Pray that they will realize how valuable their life is and that they will surrender control to God and allow Him to give them the strength to get through each moment. 

Waiting on God

It's funny how often I will pray about something and then take action, but get frustrated with how it turns out . Then I ask God why He hasn't listened to my prayers. I get frustrated when I end up responding differently than I planned on or differently than God would want me to. In some of my classes, my professors begin the day with devotions and a couple weeks ago my professor read Psalm 27:14. It says, "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

I don't know how many times I've read that verse before, but sitting there in class-it hit me. How often do I pray and expect something to happen the very next day or the next time I encounter the situation? I don't know how many different times I have had conversations with people or thought about giving situations to God, but once again it is so easy not to apply to your heart what you already know in your head. I have known for a long time that patience is not one of my strengths and I know that it effects my relationships with other people, but it was not until my teacher read this verse to my class that I realized how much being impatient impacts my relationship with God. When I am impatient and take things into my own hands I am not giving space to allow God to work in my life and in other people's lives. I am not only being impatient, but also trying to take control away from God. I am essentially saying that my own ideas are better than God's. 

So many of the problems in my life come from not being willing to wait on God. How much better would my relationship with God be if I would give Him the space to do what He does best? I am the kind of person who wants to take action and fix everything, but in reality I can't. It is so easy for me to say that I trust God, but when I look at my impatience and how often I take things into my own hands it shows that I really do not trust Him the way that I should. Not only does this hurt my relationship with God and my own life, but this often impacts the people around me. My plans for myself and for the people and my life can't even begin to compare to the plans that God has for us.

I can even look at instances, since reading this verse in class, in which I have not waited on God's timing. It is a lot easier to have a revelation about something then to actually apply it to my life. Waiting on God is not just about the big things like wanting to see family members that I have prayed for 10 or more years to have a relationship with God, or knowing what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. But waiting on God is about the little things to like learning to respond better when I do not get my way or being able to have that important conversation that I need to have with someone. For me waiting on God means admitting that my own plans are not equivalent to God's, learning to be patient, and actually trusting in the Lord.

So this week I am not going to focus on what I want to do with my life, or that mission's trip I want to go on, or that relationship that I wish was going differently. But instead I am sitting those things down and my goal for this week is to pray, read my bible, and just spend time with God. I am going to wait on the Lord with the Lord.     

Saved By Grace

I grew up always hearing about grace and how God's "Amazing grace saved a wretch like me". But I think that it was something that I really had trouble fully comprehending, and still am in awe of, even now. Grace is used many times in the bible, but do we really get what it means? For a long time I used the words mercy and grace innerchangably and thought that they pretty much meant the same thing. But actually mercy means not getting a punishment that you deserve, while grace is getting something that you do not deserve. 

The dictionary definition of grace is: The free and unmerited favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. Unmerited means something that is not deserved and it is hard to accurately translate the meaning of favor in the bible, but it basically means preferential treatment denoting acceptance, approval, and pleasure. Wow! Just the definition of grace blows me away. I am a sinner, I am broken, I am undeserving of favor. Yet God has chosen me!! He looks past my brokenness and says; "I have chosen you and I love you" Nothing I can do can be good enough to deserve what God has given me, but He gives it freely anyways. He looks upon me in pleasure, not because of anything I have done, but because of who HE is. 

Every single day I make mistakes that show to me just how undeserving I am of God. Whether it is reacting unkindly towards someone, letting my anger get the best of me, or having a negative thought about someone; the majority of my actions are undeserving of God. And this doesn't even take into account the "big sins" (in our human perception) that I and others commit. Yet God's grace covers my sins, it is what allows me to start fresh each day and is what allows me to continue to push forward despite my failures.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness,'" Sometimes things happen as a natural consequence of our choices, sometimes God allows things to happen, and sometimes things happen that have nothing to do with our own choices. When I screw up it is the grace of God-Jesus's sacrifice on the cross that keeps me from getting what I deserve. And when something happens that has nothing to do with my actions it is still God's grace that pulls me through. My weakness whether it is because of sin or my limited ability as a human is NOT a bad thing because through MY weakness, God has shown me grace and that is when His ultimate power can be seen. 

There are currently situations in my life where God's grace has become very apparent to me. Some of the choices I have made caused those situations and I deserve death and separation from God, but His grace allows me to be in communion with Him and He carries me through these situations. And parts of the situations I have no control over, but God has been showing me over and over how these so called "bad things" are in my life for a reason and it is His grace that will carry me through and help me to come out stronger. And as I rely on God and the grace He has bestowed upon me, these tough situations turn into blessings that make my life even fuller. 

"Do you find life too difficult for you? So did we, but not now, with the amplitudes of grace there are for us in Jesus Christ, it grows satisfying and successful and exciting beyond measure, becomes another and richer thing." -A.J. Gossip

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Radical Relationship

Recently, I have seen pictures and been reading blogs from people that I was in YWAM with and sometimes I feel bad and almost jealous, as if I'm missing out. Especially when I am working at a daycare and living in a nice apartment or a nice little dorm room and  reading about friends who are working in orphanages, leading missions teams, or working with prostitution ministries. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if I am where I should be. I miss traveling and working with kids camps, churches, homeless ministries and living with other like-minded Christians. I remember how, when I was living in Costa Rica, I wanted to stay in missions after our schooling was over, but I felt like God was telling me to go home at least for awhile. Sometimes I still wonder why. Some people receive really clear callings and know (at least for the time being) what God wants for them. I know God wants me to work with at risk children, but I don't know what exactly this entails. Is it with little kids or teenagers; is it in an orphanage overseas, teaching in a Preschool, or working with an organization like Compassion International?

           

It actually isn’t so much that I feel like I need to know what I am doing for the rest of my life, but more that I wonder if where I am at now is enough. And then I remember something that I realized about a year ago. I had just left my internship with Urban Hope in Kensington. I had been surrounded all summer by amazing Christians who lived some pretty radical lifestyles and I was about to go back to a typical, young American adult, lifestyle at a liberal arts college. It was then that I realized that living a radical lifestyle is NOT the same thing as having a radical relationship.

            
For so long I associated my relationship with God with living a radical life. I thought that being a missionary or living in a low income neighborhood was the kind of life I had to live to have a radical relationship with God. It was a subconscious thought that I did not realize for a long time, since as Christians we are told over and over that our good works will not get a closer to God, but that it is Jesus choice to die for our sins that allow a relationship with Him. And I always know that in my head, but I think that sometimes it doesn't reach my heart. When I looked at people at my church that worked regular jobs, lived in regular homes, and did not go to other countries on missions trips I would get frustrated and feel like they just DIDN'T get it. Then I also began to get frustrated with myself and feel like I did not have a good enough relationship with God because I was just a normal student in college who seemed to be living the "American Dream". As if I had to prove that I had a good enough relationship with God.   


After living in Costa Rica, in some ways I had become close-minded to what Christianity SHOULD look like. But I began to really observe other people who were living "normal lifestyle" and saw a few of them interact with others you could see something different about them. And I thought more about how your relationship with God can look radical by your lifestyle, but on the inside it could be completely dead. So maybe I’m supposed to live in Ethiopia and work in an orphanage or maybe I will end up in a normal suburb working with children’s ministry or in a public school system.

What I end up doing is not near as important as WHY I am doing it and who I am doing it for. Even though I realized this a year ago, it is sometimes hard to take to heart. This is a tough topic to think about, because in reality my actions should reflect my relationship with God. However, if I go on a mission's trip it needs to be because GOD has called me to serve, not because I think that's what I NEED to do just because I am a Christian. And if I am at college working at daycare it still needs to be because this is how God wants me to serve right now. When I look at the amazing things some of my friends are doing, I need to continually remind myself to focus on a radical relationship. Nothing I do matters if God is not the center of it.    

Broken

This isn't my first attempt at blogging. In fact the poem that follows is something that I began to write a long time ago, but for some reason, until today it remained unfinished. I'm not completely sure why I have decided to start up again, but it just felt like time. I'm no poet, but here is a piece of my heart.

Broken

Splintered, shattered into a thousand pieces.

My entire past, all of my mistakes.

Pain searing through my chest.

I crumple to the ground struggling to take a breath.

I am broken.

Broken

I look around.

I see broken families, broken homes, broken lives.

Poverty, death, pain and addiction.

My eyes are blind with tears, my heart overwelmed with grief. 

We are broken. 

Broken

What is the point of all this?

Is there any hope?

I can't bear to look around me, scared of what I will see.

I prepare myself for once last breath. 

Completely broken.

Broken. 

As I lay there alone, suddenly I feel a warmth.

Strong arms wrap around me and hold me close.

I see no one, but I no longer feel alone.

I don't know why, but a peace washes over me.

I was broken.

Broken

For you, says the voice.

I left my perfect home for you,

For all the broken people in this broken world.

But I came so it didn't have to stay this way.

I came to heal.

Healed.

He came to heal.

He came down to our level and 

To experience our brokenness.

And He picks up the pieces and puts them back together.

I am healed.

Healed.

I still have scars and still feel pain.

But I am not alone.

But I am no longer shattered into pieces.

Through Him I can find healing.

We can heal.

Heal.

There is brokenness all around me,

But I no longer feel hopeless.

Through the poverty, pain, death, and addiction

There is hope for something new.

He has come to heal and I am a part of that.